Wednesday, May 1, 2013

An Open Letter to Arnab Goswami


I am one of the millions of Indians for whom you have always fought in your newsroom studio with the profound words together- ‘The nation wants to know!’. I was never able to comprehend how you came to know what does nation wants to know sitting in your newsroom studio. But then I was enlightened by an ardent Arnab Goswami fan who argued that “Saar knows everything and he is the baast”. I had no other option but to believe him. He even argued that you are the ‘baast paatriaat’ in the country. And at a time when the entire paid Indian media is engrossed in mundane issues, you are the only person to make Pakistan, Bangladesh and Naxalism the biggest issue, with sure solution to them.

I had to agree with my friend. I was under the impression that our civil societies and the government are trying to establish cordial relation with Pakistan. But you, Saar you, made me realize that we are already on the verge of war. Kindly allow me to correct my sentence (I know you do not allow people to finish their sentence, let alone correct it) - we are already at war with Pakistan. Believe me, I just watched Newshour on Times Now on the issue of Sarabjit’s case. I was moved by your arguments. You made sure that this was the right time to humiliate those bloody Pakistanis and discuss every issue with them- Kasab, beheading of Indian soldiers, our prisons are better, we spent more money on Kasab, our biryani is better, our paneer tikka is great, and what not. Bravo! Oh, sorry sir. Last two points were made by my girlfriend (But it does not matter. She is also an ardent Arnab Goswami fan). Coming back to the point, this was the correct time. And I was glad that you had also not invited the relevant people from Pakistan’s side for the debate, otherwise they would have come up with some Anti-India bullshit. All crap. Oh, I am so sorry! Kindly allow me to correct my sentence (I know asking to correct my sentences repeatedly would have been the bigger sin than Laden’s attack on USA). You had called a relevant person, whose microphone was kept mute for half the show. Let me tell you, he was looking funny. I remember even you had a smile on your face before you asked his microphone’s volume to be reduced in your studio. Bravo!

I know why you call at least 6 people for a panel discussion for a show which is just 60 minutes long and has 40 minutes of your profound speech (including advertisements). You want more people to learn from you, right? And what can be a better place than your newsroom studio. But sir, why do you call the show ‘Newshour’, when you are allegedly discussing? That can be 'Discus-Hour'. Discus is also a sport where we throw a round shaped something-something to something-something. It is also a sport in Olympics. Maybe discus-hour can also be an Olympic sport sometime in near future. And we all know who will bring the Gold medal for India.

Sir, Sarabjit’s case involves serious issues. You have been able to crack each and every detail sitting in Mumbai, which no other news anchor has been able to do here in Delhi. Let me tell you sir, they are all fools. They are discussing some technical issues at this hour. They do not understand that this is the time to shout in their newsrooms. We can reduce the volume of our TV sets, which is totally fine. I always do it while watching your show. But sir now that you have an eye for detail, why do not you proceed to other issues in the same case? You were more or less repeating the same arguments. Oh, I am so sorry. I just realized what my ardent Arnab Goswami friend had said. He said, “Saar has reason for everything. He never daas anythings like thats. He knows alls, but just not tells alls.” This means you know that we, the Indians, will not understand the deeper complexity of your brain. That is why you keep the debate superficial. What a brilliant strategy sir.

Given the fact that Times Now has just one news-presenter (whose show is watched), I can understand the tremendous pressure you go through. I even saw the pressure boiled up on issues related to Kashmir, Pakistanis and Naxalites. All these supporters of human rights do not understand that you are the biggest brand ambassador of Human Rights activism. You have gone beyond the traditional Human Rights and have invented the newer definition. So as far as I understand all those who believe in Indian jingoism for patriotism are the people with Human Rights. This is great for this country. This is the shortcut to be the next super power. How can these leftists be a supporter for super-power nation when they do not even believe in the state structure? (You know, Marx said that there is no nation for oppressed. Funny guy, I must tell you! Call him on your show sometime). We need patriots for a better country. Patriots with jingoism, even better!

We know you are in your 40s now. But let me tell you sir, you are giving competition to all the bollywood stars who have entered their 40s. I am sure if Om Shanti Om or Dabangg is aired on Star Gold at 9 pm that will be a loss to Sallu and SRK. We know the reason why! I know you were the reason why Govinda had to leave the industry. Two chubby faced stars in the same ‘entertainment’ industry, not going to happen, sir!

I hope you call me someday to your show. I know you will love my company and your show will also be a hit that day. Obviously two people with great sarcasm will make sure that people enjoy the show. Ah, who cares about the news! Do you?

Sincerely yours,
One among the millions!

First published in on 1st May, 2013

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